You know what happens to a champagne bottle that is shaken up, right? When you release the cork, the pressure inside the bottle sends the cork shooting across the room.  Behind my eyes and in the cavity of my chest lies a pressure years in the making.  Usually,  I can read a book with a tortured character, one whose soul is rent with pain, and it makes me cry. The release of pressure makes me feel better and the awful stuff that built up inside me seems not so bad anymore. It then becomes something I can deal with and put behind me.

Yet lately, I’ve found that I cannot cry. Everything I’ve done to try to relieve the pressure has not worked.  Perhaps it’s because the fat lady has yet to sing. This isn’t over yet. Still, I wish I could cry. I’m ready to feel better and ready to feel as if the situation causing me all the stress and pain can be dealt with.

I like being a problem solver. It gives me great satisfaction to fix things and make them work. Yet I cannot cry.  I’m not solving my own problem here. If I could just could just eke out a few droplets of water the pressure might ease. Nope. Not working.

Briefly, I wondered if I couldn’t cry because I wanted to so badly. My life is a  contrary thing and always has been. I want to zig. My life zags… and makes me deal.  I’ve been trying to channel the emotion into the story I need to finish for MLR Press. Nope. My muse wants to write the tortured story of Emily and Vahid in Ride the Lightning. Emily’s crazed ideas about wrongs and punishment appeals to me at the moment. Vahid becomes her knight in tarnished armor who rescues her from the prison of her mind. Maybe the story appeals because somewhere deep inside me I wish to be rescued from my pain. I don’t know.

So my muse isn’t a happy man.  He knows we should be working on Rousing Caine yet we do a thousand other things instead of write. Make pretty graphics for Aeryn. Futz with website stuff. Check into a domain to replace rottnroll.com with. Because if things work out the way they seem to be going, Rott of RottNRoll will be walking out of my life and I”ll need a new name for my media business.

To distract myself I looked up marcusmedia.com. Gone. giraffemedia.com. Gone.  Maybe I shouldn’t be looking for a new domain at all. Maybe I should turn winterheart.com into my media business. That’s the cheapest route. And the best answer to my rottnroll.com issues. I’ll have to figure out a logo now…

I’m a little aimless. It’s probably all those bottled up tears. And the freaky thing is,  the trip that sent me into a tailspin also showed me something that has been taking up space in the back of my head for over a week now.  I freaking love the eastern Sierras. It’s rough and ugly, rather like my Louie. He’s not a pretty boy. He’s lumpy and clumsy. Those mountains are craggy and rugged and their beauty is not like the western Sierras at all. And I totally fell in love. I want to live there and sit at my desk looking out a window at those sharp, ugly peaks that are still wrapped in snow at the end of May.

Still can’t cry. I need a really effing sad book with a spectacularly surprising HEA. A heroine who  is like my Louie, not perfect. A man like Aeryn’s daffodil man, coming out of nowhere to offer happiness.  Maybe then the tears can spurt out and I’ll start to feel like I can deal with the things that are eating me up inside. Maybe then I can write Rousing Caine about a man who is tired of having his life turn to shit only to have a ghost give him hope.  Maybe the HEA I need to make me cry is the one I’m holding inside for Emily and Vahid. Maybe if I write it, I will cry.  Now, there is an original idea.

So if not tears today, maybe tomorrow.  The numb train does stop eventually, doesn’t it?

Hopefully, I’ll be more sexy and flirty the next time we talk. Until then, get your hands out of the silk boxers.

No flirty or sexy rant this time. I actually have a thought provoking topic to share. When do you know it’s time to walk away from (insert topic)? A partner, spouse, significant other, your child, your family, trusted friend, colleague, mentor, career, a hope or a dream? At what point do you have to stop and say “I’ve had enough”. I wish there was a chart or scale that when all the boxes are checked off or the little light on the scale glows red you have permission to walk away. I have struggled with this off and on for a few years now and wish with all my heart there was a hard and fast rule for each and every one of these categories. The doctors and therapists tell me over and over again only I can say when enough is enough. But I still find myself asking these questions. Moreso now then ever before because once again I am nursing a broken heart.

How many times do you allow a spouse, partner or significant other to lie to you before you pack a bag and walk away? How many times do you let your family tell you what a horrible person you are before you block them from the cell phone, house phone, snail mail and e-mail? How many times do you let a trusted friend screw you over before you tell them not to call or drop by ever again? How many times do you let a colleague take credit for your hard work before you rat them out? The term individual results may vary pops in my head, but then again I was born in 1961 so pop culture often pops into my head at the oddest times.

I have certain hot buttons that will have me walking away never to return on a first transgression. Then I have those that people can walk all over me for years before I finally put my foot down and enunciate very carefully “Never More” and beat feet for the exit. It is a very personal decision that varies from person to person and category to category. There are probably parents out there who would NEVER walk away from a child no matter their age, the nature of the transgression or how badly they were affected emotionally or financially by the actions of the child. There are women out there who would never leave their husbands no matter what the offense-it is simply not in their nature to walk away. There are also people out there who will put up with anything and everything done to them because they are afraid to be alone. To each his own is what my mother would say if she were still alive. Sound council even from the grave.

I am at a cross roads. Unfortunately it seems I am just one among many in my small circle of friends who seem to be wrestling with this very subject. I would very much like to just close my eyes and hope when I open them everything is back to normal. Unfortunately I have come to that point where my heart cannot take another direct hit. It’s broken in two and held together by rubber bands at the moment.

In between bouts of tears a few weekends ago a very nice man dropped out of the sky and ended up on my doorstep. He handed me flowers and said he had been waiting nearly a year to ask me out and just worked up the courage that morning to stop for a quick minute. They were daffodils and he said they looked like smiley faces to him. He thought I needed a few reminders to smile during the day since things were obviously not going well for me lately. He asked if he could call me later and when I nodded yes he pecked me on the cheek and ran back to the car being driven by what I recognized to be a mutual friend I work with. Now I do not subscribe to the “everything happens for a reason” mantra but this handsome young man showed up less then 48 hours after my world had been literally shattered for the second time in six months. When I was asking myself why I was putting up with the same shit as last December with the same end result. Why was I letting people walk all over me when deep inside I really am not that type of person. Why was I allowing family to convince me I was worthless when in fact I know I am important to a lot of people. Maybe the divine does work in mysterious ways because the hottie with the daffodils has been in the back of my mind for weeks now. In the span of five minutes he made me realize the time has come to say “I have had enough”. It is not going to be easy. In fact it is going to be a royal pain in the ass but sometimes you have to work thru the pain. Makes the end result worth so much more.

So there you have it folks. My question for all of you. When do you say enough is enough?

TTFN

AERYN TRAXX

I know you all wanna get humpy with one another! And I think I missed posting hotties last week. I’m in a rush but here’s a little something to get your engine revved this Humpday.

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Hi all. So besides computer problems I’ve had of late, all is going pretty well. I’ve decided to write about writing stories on demand. I’m currently writing one of those. It’s actually more difficult, but only so much as I have to stick to certain asked for subjects.

Something else I wanted to discuss today is the difference between science fiction and contemporary stories. To me, it’s huge. In a science fiction I can make it all up and pretty much the universe is open to me. In a story that takes place now, I have to really make sure things sound right on target and real.

Something else I wanted to talk about is how weather directs my writing. I’ve had days of rain before, for instance, and it can, and has, made me change direction on a story. Sunny days might even make me write more cheerful.

That’s all for now.

Okay, maybe not beer, but I find it completely amusing how my horse has gone from a “pasture pet” to a stalled little princess in the space of a few months. I’ve had my mare, Fortune, since she was three months old. She’ll be ten in August, so yeah, we’ve been together a while. And since generally she’s treated like my 1000-lb Barbie^TM (add to that the fact that I don’t ride), well she’s had a pretty cushy life. Hang out in the pasture with her buddies, get fed, grained, and can’t forget the horse cookies, then every once in a while be brought inside where she’s fussed over, brushed, made pretty, and then we walk around for 20 minutes or so. Read the rest of this entry »

A picture is worth a thousand words. Or is it worth more? Sometime a picture can be worth ten thousand words or twenty thousand words. It all depends on the picture and your muse. When does a picture inspire you? Why does a picture inspire you?

For me a picture will inspire at the oddest times. And it may be one I have seen many times without anything coming to mind. Like this one. This picture I found while looking for pictures of guys kissing. It is actually a drawing but I liked it. I had looked at it a couple times thinking I could do a story off of it. Nothing had come to mind. My muse was silent.

 I was discussing a cowboy story with a friend. I had started one and was complaining to him that it just wasn’t working for what I wanted. It wasn’t a bad story, just not what I thought I needed. We started off topic about a surfer, I sent him the picture and in the course of commenting back and forth on it…I got an idea. He should write a surfer story. The picture was perfect and I could *see* the story.  He sent back, no, *I* should write one! But I was writing a cowboy story! I took another look at the picture and wham! It was like a hammer hit me over the head. What would happen if a surfer and cowboy met? Holy surfboards-I had a new story!

So why did it happen now? Was it the right picture at the right time? Or was it always there in my head and it just needed the extra nudge? Did my muse just need the right combination of picture and encouragement to inspire me? For me, I think it was a combination of things. First, I had already liked the picture. Second, I tend to doubt myself, so I think I needed the encouragement. Plus I needed to look at the whole thing at a different angle. Changing the way I looked at it brought the idea to life.

My muse gets a big thank you as does my friend who encouraged me! Now, what inspires you? What gets your creative juices flowing?

Got your attention didn’t I. That’s because sex sells. It’s a fact. Non negotiable. You put a picture of a semi-nude model, male or female, on the cover of a book and you are going to garner interest ( translation: interest = sales). You use a semi-nude pic of GI Joe and with the exception of a few people you are going to have them pass right by  (translation:pass right by =no sales). Yes that’s putting it in very simplistic terms but I’ve been arguing this point for nearly two years now and I am really tired of it.

Renders versus Live Models has been the bane of my professional existence from day one. I have good friends who render. I have good friends who are industry famous models. Both camps are filled with people just as passionate on the subject as I am. Hold up. Before I go any further I have to put this disclaimer in here. My opinions about the render industry have nothing to do with the people IN the industry. I respect my render artist friends for their talent at what they do. Just because I have little regard for 90% of the work produced by the industry in no way means I do not hold THEM in high regard. Okay with that said the rant can continue.

Again putting it in very simplistic terms – who would you rather see rolling around on the sheets – GI Joe and Ken or oh…I don’t know… how about CJ Hollenbach and Julian Fantechi? For those voting for GI Joe and Ken you might want to just go ahead and toddle off. This blog is definitely not for you. For the rest of us voting for the CJ and Julian fantasy smack down (lol I couldn’t resist) I have to ask- Why don’t the publishers get this? Time and time again I keep getting slammed with either “readers don’t care about the covers as much as you think” or “Bottom line babe. We’re here to make money and model shoots cost too much. Renders are cost effective and the way of the future. Deal with it.”

Deep Breath

Yes I can hear each and every one of you saying WTF!

Take another deep breath and I’ll go on.
The first fifty times I heard this I was new to the publishing biz. I had very few people to consult who knew enough about the industry to help me understand or convince me what was what. I took it on the cheek and kept going. Then I got knocked on my ass by an internet harpy who said I was childishly naïve about the business and should simply pack up my crayons and go home. Sooooo, after picking myself up off the floor, I reached out to a few people. By some weird twist of fate I tripped over a cover model who happens to be very business savvy. Bless his heart he took the time to explain “the cover art” biz in little words so I would be sure to get it all. He broke it down to – yes publishers are in the business to make money but no it doesn’t cost THAT much to hire a model to do a shoot. Yes renders are the way of the future but no he wasn’t sure it was going to last because readers are picky about covers and it would –in his humble opinion- swing back around. Yes fans do care that the model on the cover doesn’t look anything like the hero in the book and no he didn’t understand why publishers weren’t getting the message. Yes he was getting booked for shoots so obviously someone still wanted live models on their covers and no he didn’t have any plans for next Thursday- dinner would be fine. Ooops…. TMI…. ahem….he educated me about the cover model business over the course of about ten e-mails but I got it loud and clear. Use of renders versus live models was up to each individual publisher and I would have to be careful who to sub to if I did not want GI Joe and Ken on my covers under the covers as it were.

So here we are back at the core question. Your fingers are walking thru the online catalogue of an e-publisher or braving the elements to go to your local bookstore. Which cover is going to entice you to buy that 8.99 book? GI Joe giving Ken his come hither plastic gaze or CJ and Julian rolling around on a king size bed wearing nothing but a 1000 count Egyptian cotton sheet? Sorry but my money’s on the sheet. How about you?

TTFN
AERYN

Today is Nikki’s 20th birthday. I’m feeling rather old because of it. I’m also rather full. We got Claim Jumper dinner delivered by Restaurants on the Run. I ordered cake for her too. What’s a birthday without birthday cake, right? I’ll come back to the cake in a minute. I have more to say about it.

Well, on this day 20 years ago, I screamed my head off. I screamed so loudly that the nurses shut the door because all the other moms thought someone was being murdered. And it’s true. Someone was. ME. I was being split asunder by barely six pounds of flesh that had made me sick for months. I’d already been in the hospital more than a month. I’d lost a lot of weight. I couldn’t eat. I’d had more ultrasounds and amniocentesis’s than the whole maternity ward put together. They induced labor and sent me into a tailspin.

GAH! I was so sick. It was horrid. I was glad to have it all over. But I screamed bloody murder through a whole 5 hours oh labor. I nearly killed a nurse for trying to turn off MTV. I had it tuned to the hard 30 or hard 60 or whatever they called it… They were playing a long block of rock and metal videos. In fact, Nikki popped out during this:

I don’t let her forget it to this day.

Now, here’s the deal with the cake. This is the MOST chocolate you have ever seen in one place before. It’s six or seven layers. I eyed it the same way I eye most hotties.

“Hellllllo, lover. You look awfully sweet and delicious and tender. I’m sure you are nothing but bad for me, but I cannot wait to slip you past my lips and taste you. Oh, yes. Come to mama, you luscious thing.”

Claim Jumper’s Motherlode Chocolate Cake is beyond orgasmic. It is a serious chocolate overdose. This photo does not do justice to the size of this baby. This is a hung porn star of a chocolate cake. Massive, thick, long… chocolate. There’s chocolate chunks in it too. It’s like sucking cock and discovering that cum tastes like a margarita. Heady, rich, and intoxicating.

Nikki and I didn’t finish the slice we got. We didn’t even eat half the slice between us. We forgot to take a photo too but I found this one on Google and you can really tell how big the slice is here.

Yeah, we kinda looked that shocked too. It’s an amazing cake.

So, now the day is nearly over and Nikki will be wanting to play WoW soon. It’s hot here and I’ve overeaten. I didn’t even get more than a bite of my potato cakes. The tri tip was just too yummy and I kept stuffing meat in my mouth… I’m sure you get the picture. *wink*

If you get the chance stop over at Nikki’s blog and leave her a Happy Birthday comment. She didn’t blog today because not only is it her birthday but it’s the one year anniversary of the death of her friend Ariel. Last year was a really bad birthday for her and the memories are still fresh. It’s tough to be awakened on your birthday with a text telling you a friend died in a car accident.

You can leave messages for Nikki at Socially Dead. Have a great weekend and… go get some cake!

I looked in at the lovely blogs and looked at the blog list and realized that ‘dudes’ I am suppose to be blogging again.  For the life of me I have no idea what to blog about.  I spent just over a week so sick that I did not want to get out of bed, yet I was at work every day like a good little girl, breathing while I was there was optional, cause it was not easy to breathe.  Not quite sure what I had but at least I am now over it.  Thank God above for that.

I do reviews for two review sights, NightOwlRomances.com is the one that everyone talks about but I also review for ManicReaders.com.  Between the two of them, I have about 30 books to read.  Normally this would not faze me as my TBR pile is usually shoulder deep at the least, but being that I have been sick I feel like I am falling behind on what I should be doing.  So I read what I can and do the best I am able to.  I just finished a book that had me laughing and crying all within the space of 2 hours.  A Fine Specimen by Lisa Marie Rice definitely is a must read in my book.  Hot alpha male that is also a cop, yummy.  A scholarly lady that looks way too young to be even close to legal.  Boy oh boy, is all I can say.  If you like stories that will keep you going and hoping that the guy gets his head out of his ass and do what will make them both happening then this is a good book to read.

I have been working on a list of authors that are willing to send directly to me and that are then published at Night Owl Romances.  I have had amazing luck thanks to Lex Valentine and Kris at MLR.  But one thing that gets on my nerves is when you send an email to someone and they do not even have the decency to answer back telling me no they are not interested.  I know that writers are very busy people many of whom have regular jobs on top of writing, but is it that hard to take a minute and answer a stupid email?  I have sent query ‘letters’ out to a couple of big name authors and gotten no response; and the sad part is, it is not just the big name writers that do this. I have sent out a couple to authors that I have talked to on several loops that have gotten no response.  I took the time to write a nice request, would it really hurt you to at least tell me “thanks for the interest but I will keep doing things the way they are now”?

On a better note, like I said I have had some really good responses from authors.  Ashley Chase, Jason Edding, Ethan Day, Lex Valentine, and Renee Wildes have all sent me books to review, several more have said they will as soon as I am ready for more books.  For me, it is nice to know that I have really good books that will be coming in to read in the future.  For the author, I give an honest review of their books, which from what I get told is a good thing to get.  If anyone else is interested, please feel free to contact me and we can set something up.

I hope that everyone has a great month!

It’s pretty hot today. One of the photos I’m posting is from the cover of my July release Fire Season. Take a look at what we have here for your drooling pleasure on this Humpday…

Model Anderson Dornelles

Model Katie Green

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