Choices

Well, here I am again after a long absence. And I have to come up with something to blog about, lol. Oh my, you have no idea what you’re asking for here. First I thought about what I wanted to write about. Nothing, I mean nothing came to mind. I was drawing a complete blank. So a friend said ‘why not write about writer’s block?’  Nope, I couldn’t even think of what to write about writer’s block. How sad…  So then what? After kicking some ideas back and forth (and still coming up blank) I told my friend about a certain thing that was going on in my life and how I had to make a choice about how to tell my husband about this.  And suddenly, just like that I knew what I wanted to blog about. Choices.

So what kinds of choices? Well, the choice I’m trying to make is how to tell my hubby that I’m taking a part time job at my kids’ karate studio. How should I tell him? Should I wait and tell him with all the kids standing around and shrieking with excitement? Should I call him at work and tell him there so he can’t say anything without other people asking him embarrassing (to him) questions? Should I do it in private so he can rant and rave about how I don’t need to work? Ah, choices.

Oh and for those of you who don’t know me (is there anyone left out there?) I’ve been married for almost 18 years and have eight (yes, that’s right…8) kids. I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost all of my married life.

Back to my choice here. Once upon a time, the choice would have been an easy one. Back at the beginning of my marriage I would have talked it over with him and made a decision with him, most likely taking the job with the understanding that it would be part time and would help our family out. Or even two years ago, I would have let him make the decision for me as I was trying to hold our family together after the death of our youngest son and suffering from a deep depression.

But today I’m a different person. I had my blindfold removed shortly before Christmas and suddenly I could see again. I realized that things had become strained and difficult for everyone because I had not made choices for the last three years. It was time for me to make some.

Sometimes our choices are easy ones. Who’s going to get littlest one a drink while I’m trying to get a scene written down before I lose my train of thought? Easy…which child is closest that I can holler at to do it? Should I make tacos or chicken with stuffing for dinner? Again, easy…tacos, everyone in the family will eat them. Should my characters have sex now or later? (now…now…now)

And then there are those hard ones. Do I stay in a marriage to a man who has admitted he has some serious issues to work through but doesn’t seem to want to actually get help? Who makes promises but doesn’t follow through? If I’m not going to stay, when do I make the decision to leave? After the bankruptcy goes through?  After we have to move from our home? Before all this takes place? What if I want to stay in the marriage? Can I live with a man who acts like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? When do I draw the line and where is it?

Ah yes, choices. Our lives are full of them and even when we try to ignore them they come back and haunt us, practically begging us to decide on something. We can try to hide from them or run from them but sooner or later they come knocking at the door. Okay, in my case they broke the door down and stomped all over me so I would pay attention…lol. (um, not literally for those who are assuming the worst here)

In thinking about all this I realized there were some things that were almost non-choices, the choice to write, the choice to put my kids first, the choice to keep my family and friends close to me and the choice that I need to be happy too.  These are things that I didn’t even really have to think about.  The hard choices will be made and they will be my choices. Not anyone else’s because I have to live with them, good or bad. They will be made in my time and with a lot of thought. Why? Because like so many of you out there, my choices affect more than just me. They affect my kids, my family, my husband and his family.

Choices…

So what kinds of choices have you made lately?